


Starting the Abyss

by BryceWrites



Series: Broken Measures [13]
Category: Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Lost Love, Near Future, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 19:24:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8297404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BryceWrites/pseuds/BryceWrites
Summary: Kelsi's been in Georgia the better part of three weeks, trying to move on with her life. She's got a job, and an apartment away from her brothers. She knows she isn't happy, but she didn't realize how badly she wasn't happy until some leather covered men show up wanting a milkshake.





	

I’d finally found an apartment to rent. Two weeks in that shithole of a house with both my brothers; it was enough to make a person wanna kill. With Merle leavin’ his trash anywhere he pleased and Daryl never arguin’ or fightin’ him on nothing, it was starting to drag on me. But I’d found an apartment to rent the same day I’d found a job.

There was a loft for rent above the small diner in town. Danny’s Diner had opened when I was seven and was right about twenty miles away from the boys; close enough we could talk and I could see them, but I wasn’t close enough they’d stop by when they weren’t invited, which Merle fancied doing when he had too much to drink.

The job I got was actually waitressing for the diner. The décor was definitely 40s and 50s styled. There was a lot of old signs, telling how at one point, a hot dog was 7 cents and a beer was 10 cents. I wanted those kinds of days back.

“Kelsi Jo, table ten needs drinks.” Rob, the manager and head cook, called to me.

I shook my head at him. He liked to micro manage. So I walked over with my best smile. “I’m so sorry ‘bout that. Didn’t know nobody got ya drinks. What can I get ya?” I asked.

“Can we have two plain vanilla milkshakes and one chocolate milkshake with oreos?” The lady asked me.

“Absolutely. It’ll be just a few minutes and I’ll have ‘em right out.” I told her with a smile, which I dropped as soon as I got behind the counter where the machine for the milkshakes were.

Waitressing definitely wasn’t the worst job I’d ever had, but it took its toll. I’d only been doin’ it for two weeks now and it was already kickin’ my butt, even though I knew I wasn’t a bad waitress by any means.

I grabbed a tray and balanced their milkshakes, heading back to the table. “Ya’ll ready to order, or ya gonna need a few?” I asked. I really hated how moving back had made my words slur together and my twang more pronounced. An hour of bein’ around Merle and listening to him talk, all those years of suppressing it were out the window.

The teenage son grinned. “Can you say ya’ll again?” He was obviously from some part of the eastern states.

I turned to the woman, the mom, who was looking at the menu; obviously she hadn’t heard the rude words from her son’s mouth. “I’ll have the jalapeno burger, light on the lettuce, heavy on tomato, without the jalapenos.”

I paused. “Ma’am, if you’ll read at the bottom of the menu, the only substitutions we do are for bread and sides.”

She looked at me like I had a third head. “What?”

“Bread and sides.” I explained again, feeling like my temper was heating up a bit. “But I can get you a regular cheese burger.”

“What kind of place doesn’t substitute?” She asked harshly.

“I don’t make the rules, ma’am.” I spoke.

“Then I guess we’ll just go down the street then.” She told me, standing up from the chair.

“Good riddance.” I mumbled as I turned around.

“What’d you say?” She called.

“Did I stutter?” I asked, turning back to her.

She must’ve seen the look in my eyes, because she gathered her stupid kid and oblivious husband and left through the front door, not even bothering to pay for their milkshakes.

“Rough day, lass?”

I paused, my heart feeling like it stopped. It... couldn’t be… could it? But there was no way I could forget that voice. Of anyone’s face and anyone’s voice, his I would remember until my name was carved in stone.  I turned around, so slowly I wasn’t sure I’d moved until I was facing him.

Two leather clad men sat at the breakfast bar, looking like they’d come here every day for the last two weeks. Chibs and Happy didn’t look at all out of place in the diner and I wondered why I thought that.

“Chibs.” His name left my mouth on the last breath from my lungs, rushing out like it was a race.

“Kelsi.” He said affectionately. I always loved the way he said my name.

“Oh my god. Is Juice okay? What happened?” I asked, rushing over to him.

“He’s fine, lass. We just came to say hello and check on ya.” Chibs told me with a smile, making his cheeks crinkle.

“How… how did you find me?” I asked, looking between the two of you.

“Juice had your brother’s address pinned down the day after you left. He even found it with the worst hangover I’ve ever seen from the kid.” Happy spoke.

I bit my lip, coming back around the counter and glancing at Rob, who was watching me carefully. “Can I get you guys anythin’?”

“Hear ya got decent shakes, lass.” Chibs spoke, picking up a menu to look busy; although I knew he wasn’t actually reading it.

“Chocolate, vanilla, butter pecan, caramel swirl, or oreo.” I told them.

“Oreo!” Happy spoke quickly, an excited air to his voice, making me giggle.

“Caramel swirl, lass, if ya’d be so kind.” Chibs said, putting the menu back down on the bar.

I nodded, turning around to the milkshake machine. “So what really brings you out here? Come to drag me home?” I asked.

Chibs shook his head firmly. “Yer gonna do what yer gonna do, lass. We just came to see yer alright.”

I stopped the machine and looked over at him, remembering his soothing words as he pulled me off a bridge what seemed like five years years ago. I remembered how I was so scared and I just wanted to end it, but he wanted me to keep fighting. He wanted me to have better. I wondered now if I had better, or if I’d taken a step back. I turned the machine back on and mixed up Happy’s first, since he’d seemed so excited before going to work on Chibs’.

“I’m not happy here.” I spoke quietly to them as I handed Chibs his. “But it ain’t no difference. I’m supposed to be here, I guess, ain’t no changin’.”

Chibs gave me a hard look I could barely take. “Ya don’t believe that lass.” He told me, spooning the ice cream mixture into his mouth.

I was going to speak up when I saw Happy’s look; nearly the same as Chibs’. I sighed. “Did he tell you what happened?” I asked Chibs.

He nodded. “Aye, he did.”

“So how can ya even ask me to come back? Gemma is gonna roast me alive. And I already broke Juice’s heart. I can’t just come ridin’ back in, guns a blazin’, sayin’ ‘hey darlin’ I really do love ya. But the Queen bitch of the MC wants me dead.’ ” I said in a huff. I remembered the panic I felt on the phone with Happy. I knew the MC didn’t take well to other people cussin’ out the leaders of the group.

Chibs watched me for a long moment. “Juice ain’t doin’ well without ya, love.”

“You… ya said he was fine.” I said, feeling fear fill my chest cavity.

Chibs nodded. “He ain’t in the hospital, I suppose that’s fine. But he’s been drinkin’… Been… bringin’ home women…” Chibs cringed at the words as they left his mouth.

“I don’t care.” I said plainly. “He’s free to do as he likes.” Even though it made my stomach churn, thinking of him sleeping with another woman; let alone several others.

“He misses ya.” Chibs told me.

“Kelsi Jo! You better be waitressin’ and not runnin’ yar mouth.” Rob called from the kitchen and I involuntarily cringed at his words.

Chibs stood up off his stool, taking a step towards the kitchen. I quickly shook my head, grabbing his arm. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” I told him, hoping to calm him down.

“Pulled ya off a bridge ‘cause a man talked like that to ya.” He told me sternly.

I ducked my head, nodding. I remembered all too well, every single night. “I know. It was the only job I could find to get out of the house. Just… go to your hotel and text me the address. I’ll come see ya tonight before ya leave, okay?” I begged, more than asked.

Chibs gave another glance at the kitchen before nodding, leaving his half eaten milkshake on the counter.

“I’ll hang around if it’s alright.” Happy spoke, eating his oreo bits and ice cream.

“Long as ya order somethin’ every once in a while and ya ain’t causin’ no trouble.” I told him sternly.

He nodded, dipping his spoon back into the ice cream as I grabbed menus for the four top that just came in.

 

* * *

 

Rob wouldn’t let me close with Happy still in the diner, so I grabbed my purse and he walked me out to his motorcycle, where he drove us back to the motel he’d got with Chibs. When Happy opened the door, Chibs was sitting on one of the twin beds.

“Ya alright?” I asked him carefully.

He nodded, a cigarette between his lips. “Just worried ‘bout ya.”

I nodded, sitting next to him on the bed. I was quiet for a long time, trying to decide what to say or do. “I don’t know that I made the right choice, but I knew there was a reason Gemma wanted me gone and I didn’t want to stick around to see her try to tear me down in front of Juice.”

Happy pulled out a chair from the desk and turned it around, straddling it to face Chibs and I. “You could’ve tried to talk to her.”

Chibs and I both looked up at him. “Talk… with Gemma?” I asked slowly.

He grinned, like he found his joke humorous.

Chibs shook his head, looking at the window across from him, thinking. “I didn’t know she was after ya, lass. I woulda said somethin’.”

I nodded, setting my hand on his arm. “I’m not blamin’ ya. Neither of ya.” I said, making sure to look at Happy too. “She just… she cut me deep when she spoke.” I murmured. “And talk like that don’t come outta yer ass for nothin’.”

Chibs nodded. “We best look into it, then.” He said, glancing at Happy.

Happy nodded. “We’ll figure it out.”

“Ya goin’ home, lass?” Chibs asked without any inflection to his voice. He wasn’t pushing me out, just curious as to my plans for the rest of the evening.

I didn’t want to tell him, but being alone in the apartment was difficult for me. I’d always had somebody by my side, and now, being alone for longer than I ever had before, was draining. I dreaded going home; just because I knew there wasn’t anybody else there. Being with the guys was okay, but I’d forever rather be alone than trying to put up with Merle.

Another moment of deep thinking reminded me that I hadn’t answered Chibs. I looked over at him and I wondered if he could see in my face how helpless I felt in my bones.

“I’m no Juicy boy, but I’d snuggle right up to ya.” Chibs said, with a grin and wink, letting me know he was joking.

Happy smirked, shaking his head.

I nodded, not entirely sure what to say to the offer. “I’ve never been alone before, ya know?” I asked, looking up at the gray haired man who had saved my life. “Even when I had been traveling away from Georgia, there was always a guy, or a friend around.” I shrugged, feeling lost.

Chibs threw his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a tight one-armed hug. “Ya can stay the night if ya wish, lass. I’ve never made ya do a thing you don’t want, no sense in starting now.”

I nodded, hugging him tightly around the middle. Chibs was comfortable, safe. He smelled like grease and cigarettes and leather and he felt like home. My eyes welled up with tears and I nodded against his cut. Part of me heard Merle’s voice in my head, telling me I was a pussy for cryin’, especially in front of family. The other part of my head just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

Chibs moved to stub out his cigarette and I let go of him, considering the trek home before both his arms wrapped strongly around me, pulling me close to him. “S’alright to cry, lass. Lord knows ya earned it.” He told me quietly. “You’re a strong woman, Kelsi Jo. And braver than most men I’ve met. You go ahead and cry if ya wish. I’m not leavin’ ya anytime soon.”

And with those words of comfort floating around my brain, I fell apart, broken into his warm embrace.

 

* * *

 

I sat up in bed, covered in sweat and a heavy wool blanket the hotel had provided. Chibs sat next to me, looking concerned. The nightmare I’d woken from moments ago still replayed in broken film clips in my head and I wiped my forehead. Something about Juice and somebody trying to kill me, but wanting to do it slow…

Chibs reached around me, pulling me sideways into him. Happy groaned and rolled over in the next bed. “Ya have many nightmares, lass?”

I nodded. Every night. I had one every single night since I’d left Charming. I’d taken sleeping pills, I’d drank until I couldn’t see, I’d tried tea and coffee before bed. I’d even gotten some weed for a guy I’d known in high school who still hung around. Nothing worked. I’d hoped sleeping next to another warm body would mellow my bad dreams out. Apparently it hadn’t.

Chibs gave me a worried look. “Juice never said ya had nightmares.”

I scrubbed my hand over my face, trying to remember if the blood was in the dream or if it’d really covered me. Inspection of my hands found it’d been part of the dream; thank God. “I had nightmares of Danny before we got together. But the longer I was with him, the less and less bad dreams I had. Before I left Juice, I hadn’t had nightmares in months. I didn’t even wake up in the middle of the night.”

Chibs watched me carefully and I wanted to know what he was thinking.

“Ya think it’s a sign?” I asked quietly, like speaking the words any louder would break something apart.

Chibs nodded. I knew Chibs had been Catholic a long time ago and still liked to follow their guidelines, I knew he wasn’t nearly religious as he was spiritual. He believed strongly in fate; what was meant to be will always find a way.

“I can’t just go back though.” I reasoned.

He nodded. “Especially if Gemma has it out for ya. It’ll only make things worse.” He agreed.

So that was it. I was stuck here, all alone. As much as I wanted them to stay, Happy and Chibs had come to check up on me. Now that they saw me alive and well, for the most part, I knew they’d be off again today or tomorrow. Clay had probably approved their travels and even if they’d lied, coming up with another reason to be gone a couple days, Clay wouldn’t have approved them for a two week vacation.

I threw the covers off me, my jeans feeling heavy on my legs as I scrubbed my hands over my face again. I was left with this hole in my chest. I gathered up my things and slid on my shoes, feeling Chibs’ eyes on me the whole time. And then I just left. I didn’t say another word, just pulled open the hotel room door and closed it behind me.

Thundering footsteps caught me by the time I got to the sidewalk, angling for my apartment.

“Where the hell ya think yer goin’?” Chibs asked, his jeans stuffed haphazardly into his boots, obviously in a rush to catch me.

“I can’t keep saying goodbye to you, wondering if I’ll ever see you again.” I told him, feeling my resolve crack. “I love you. You saved my life and it’s a debt I’ll never be able to pay you back. You’re the best family I’ve ever had and I can’t…” I stopped, dipping my head to wipe my teary eyes. “I can’t keep losing you.”

Chibs hugged me tightly and I wanted the hug to fix me, all my problems and worries. I wanted him to pull all the broken pieces of me back together like the glue I knew he was.

But I gathered the strength to take a step back, away from him. I roughly wiped my eyes one more time, looking up at the tall man with scars on his cheeks and adoration in his eyes. “I love you, you Scottish freak.” I told him, taking a deep breath. “But I won’t say goodbye again. I could barely do it the first time. I can’t make myself do it again. I can’t lose you again. I won’t.” I shook my head violently.

“Then don’t say goodbye, lass.” He told me firmly. “Ain’t much for ‘em me self. So how about this?” He asked, stepping closer to me. “I’ll see ya when I see ya, and I hope it’s soon.”

I nodded. “The sooner the better.”

He gave me a sad smile and pulled me close again. “I’ll tell Happy ya send yer best.”

I nodded, wiping my eyes as I turned away. I couldn’t hear Merle’s voice prancing around my head anymore, so I was happy on that front. But the thought of my bikers, riding off into the sunset, leaving me here; it was almost more than I could handle.

But I’d have to. I’d have to handle it, because I couldn’t go back to Charming. I washed my face when I got home, feeling the hole in my chest get bigger. I looked into the mirror and paused. It wasn’t the same face I’d seen looking at the mirror in Juice’s bathroom back in California. Sure, my eyes were the same color and my features were in the same place.

Now, though, my face looked like it changed. It looked a little more broken then I’d wanted and a little older than I could stand. But I resolved that I had to live with it. This is who I was now.


End file.
